My new workout goal: The pull-up

When I first started this new lifestyle change back in January, I was very hesitant to start lifting weights.  In my previous attempt to lose weight, I was at the gym 6 days a week, lifting weights and riding the bike.  It got me NOWHERE!!! However, I also didn't have my thyroid regulated with meds like I do now, but I blamed the weights.  When I would complain about not losing enough weight, people would say "muscle weighs more than fat....you must just be gaining more muscle".  While muscle does weigh more than fat, I was still upset and I knew that something was wrong.

After taking a hiatus from the gym, and going to my doctor and getting my thyroid regulated (which really was my main roadblock to weight loss), I realized that the other roadblock was the intensity of my cardio.  I was sitting on a stationary bike and my heart rate wasn't getting as high as it needed to be to really burn some calories.  So, we (my husband and I) started doing the elliptical and OMG....that sucker burns some calories, especially when you hit some heavy resistance.  But even after seeing results with the elliptical, I was still hesitant to try weight lifting again.  I didn't want to hit the same plateau that I had before and stop seeing good numbers on the scale. 

But, finally, after hearing about all the health benefits of weight lifting (lean muscle mass burns more calories at rest than fat, it'll make you stronger, etc) and after people telling me how much it benefits them, I decided to give it a try....again.  And guess what.....I am in LOVE with strength training! I don't know how I ever went to the gym and left without hitting the free weights these past few months.  It is so much fun and it feels amazing.  I don't remember it being this fun when I tried it before....maybe because my attitude is different.  And while the numbers on the scale have dwindled a little bit (about 1 lb a week loss instead of 2)...I am getting so much stronger.  My husband told me the other day at the gym (on the calf raise machine) that he can see definition in my legs now.  That's exactly why you to the gym.....to hear that people can SEE a difference in how you look! 

My plan is to pump up the intensity of my cardio to give my body a boost and get back to a 2 lb per week weight loss....but I also plan on working on being able to do a pull-up.  It was in both of my magazines (SHAPE and Women's Health) this month and I am determined to pull this off!  My upper body was incredibly weak....and still isn't as strong as I want it to be, but it's getting better.  It's gonna take some time to do this, I know....but the first time that I can pull myself over that bar.....I'm gonna be so excited! How great will that feel? It always feels good to have a goal...and even better when you reach it.  So here goes nothin'!!!

Swimsuit Season

There are two words in the English language that can strike fear into the heart of the most confident, assertive and vivacious of women: swimsuit season!  For the most part, I am an extremely extroverted personality.  I am loud and opinionated.  I am confident in my ability to do almost anything.....until.....you put me in a swimsuit.  My confidence is stripped away and is replaced with fear and self-loathing.  For other people, without kids, this wouldn't pose a problem.  If you didn't want to be in a swimsuit, you wouldn't have to be.  However, I have a daughter and she insists on living at the swimming pool during the summertime. 

A few weeks ago, I went swimsuit shopping.  I drove home in tears, literally.  I could barely see the road because I was sobbing hysterically.  I think that it was more devastating than I had planned because I have been working so hard to lead a healthier lifestyle.  I eat right and I exercise regularly.  Even though I see my body everyday and know what it looks like.....I assumed (ridiculously) that I would look better in a swimsuit than I actually did.  I was terrified.  What was I going to do?  My daughter wants to go to the pool and I don't want to sit out and watch her play.....I want to play with her!

So....I dried my face and refocused my energy to where it needed to be.....continuing with what I am doing with my eating and my workouts.  Like I have said before, there is no magic pill and I simply have to keep working.  I will, no doubt, get to where I need/want to be.  It just takes time. 

Now I go to the pool with Caitlyn, still draped in fear, but with less self-loathing :)  I realized that most (not all....but most) of the women there have similar struggles.  Most of the women at my pool are members at my gym and I see them working for what they have and it gives me hope.  I can't wait for next swimsuit season.  I will be in much better shape and self-loathing will no longer be an issue.  But, I have to work for it.  I have to push through these feelings of inadequacy to get to the other side.  And while I'm working and waiting for that great body to reveal itself, I'll be damned if I make my little girl play in the pool by herself.  I may not be the best looking chic at the pool.....but I'm definitely the one having the most fun!     

It's all up here......

After I dropped my daughter off at school this morning, I came home to a nice and peaceful house.  I made some coffee and had some breakfast while watching a good movie.  After about an hour, I got dressed and ready for the gym.  As I stepped outside, I thought "This is going to be a great day!"  It 's beautiful outside and I am so blessed.  I got into the car and put on my iPod (yes, I listen to my iPod while I drive....it gets me revved up to go and work out).  I jammed out all the way to the town club.  I was in a great mood.....and I carried that mood into the gym with me.

It amazes me, each time I get to the gym, how important my attitude really is.  When I drive to the gym and I'm dreading it (it happens to the best, most determined of people), that 45 minutes of cardio seems like hours.  I seem to get drained quicker, I don't burn as many calories, and it's an all around drag.  But, when I go to the gym determined and ready to kick some ass.....that's exactly what I do.  The 45 minutes flies by and I burn more calories than I had intended to.  I think to myself...."Why can't every day be like this?"

The truth is, every day won't be like this.....and that's why it's so important to ger "right" before you go into the gym (or outside to run, walk, play sports, whatever).  There are so many external factors that can have an effect on our day, our mood, and our attitude.  We can't change the weather, or how people treat us....but we can affect the way we respond.  I must admit that it's a lot easier to go and work out when it's nice and shiny outside....it just puts you in a better mood.....but we still have to burn calories on those rainy, overcast days too.  It's just gonna take a little more "mental prep" than those sunny days :)

When I was at the gym this morning, I was amazed at how much stronger my body has become.  My range of motion has improved....I'm working muscles I didn't even know I had.....and every time I look down at my thighs....they're smaller!  These are the things I am going to have to focus on the next time I am dreading going to the gym.  These are the reasons that I go......to become stronger.......and I am well on my way!

Mixin' it up.....

I was getting ready to go to the gym the other day and realized that I was dreading it.  It had become boring to me.  I immediately began to worry.  I thought "If I start to hate going to the gym.....I'll stop going and then I'll be right back where I started.....yuck!"  I ran to my computer and started to look for some group classes that I could start going to, just to mix things up.  I found several classes.....so I went to one....that very day.  I loved it!  It's a step & sculpt class.  It mixes cardio and strength training and it kills ya.....but in a good way :)

I had never been in this predicament before.  In previous attempts to get healthy, I would quit going to the gym, not out of boredom, but out of laziness.  I never worked out long enough to deal with all the problems that I had read about....."work out boredom".  I read articles every month in my Women's Health magazine and SHAPE magazine, all about how to spruce up your workouts to avoid becoming stagnant and bored.  I would always skip past those articles because it didn't pertain to me.  I couldn't see how you could get bored with the gym.  I see it now!

So, after my first time at my new step & sculpt class, I was hooked.  I go every Monday afternoon now.  It's an amazing way to burn fat and get toned.  I still do my elliptical to make sure that I'm reaching my calorie burn, but  not everytime I go to the gym.  I find myself getting excited about going to the gym again....and we all need to be excited about getting healthy....or we just won't do it....and stick with it. 

I was looking at the group schedule today, for my gym, and found some water aerobics classes that I wanna take.  I know that swimming is an awesome workout, for both cardio and toning, but I'm a little apprehensive about going.  A swimsuit?  Me??  I'm not comfortable with that.  I want to get a better body before I get into a swimsuit....but if I get into a pool, I can get that body faster.  What to do??  One day....hopefully soon.....I am gonna get in that pool, mix it up, and after a while, I'll finally have a body that I'm proud of....and I'll start looking forward to putting on my swimsuit!

There is no magic pill....

Today my husband and I were at Hastings.  We rented a movie and then decided to kill some time and go and look for a book that my pastor has been referencing at church.  Lately, I have been really interested in health and fitness books, so I made sure to swing by that section as well.  I couldn't believe it.  I was, and still am blown away by how many "diet" books are polluting our bookshelves.  Who buys these things?  I know...I know....alot of people do.  Well...I'm here to tell ya....there is no "magic pill"!


I've been down that road....alot!  I've done the Atkins diet and read books about the South Beach diet and had friends who did the cabbage soup diet.  These diets give you quick results, but they quickly fade and then you blow up like the Goodyear Blimp.  Any diet, no matter who endorses it, no matter what celebrity swears by it, must involve physical activity and good, nutritious food choices.  If not...it's CRAP!  Take the Atkins diet craze that hit a few years ago.  I tried it...so there is no judgment here.  That diet had people, myself included, believing that eating cheeseburger patties, bacon, sausage, eggs, and cheese were good for you.  It convinced you to give up fruit!  What person in their right mind thinks that this diet could truly be effective in the long run?


Diets like these, and the people who support them, are hoping to prey on people who are exhausted with being overweight....people who are busy and think they don't have time to work out or plan a healthy eating schedule.  Diet gurus are hoping that you're just ignorant enough to buy into their lies.  Eating better and being physically active must become priorities.  I know that people are busy and our lives are hectic.  Finding time to go to the gym or cook healthy meals is a struggle, I know.  However, for the things that are important in our lives, we make time.  It's a matter of what is important to you.


Another reason these fad diets seem to be so popular is that it's audience is ignorant to what is best for them.  I don't say that in a condescending way, I'm still learning these things myself.  If you don't know what your body needs to stay healthy and what your body needs to be doing to stay active, then it's very easy to be swayed by diet books promising you quick results with minimal effort.  We all know better, but we buy into it anyway.  More often than not, if it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is.


Getting healthy can also be a little scary.  You are so afraid that you're going to have to give up everything you once loved and live at the gym and life as you know it will cease to exist.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  When my husband and I were at Hastings today, looking at the health/fitness books, he said to me "I don't want you becoming a health nut!"  I'm not sure, but I assume he says that because he's afraid I'll turn our house into a farmer's market and  never cook another good-tasting meal for the rest of our lives.  People are afraid of what they don't know.  That's why it's so important to read up....find out what is good for you.  Talk to your doctor.  Read literature that comes from a credible source, not just any old book lying around.  Do your research.  Knowledge is power.


Last, but not least, stay active.  Even the best eating habits won't get you nearly as far if you don't get moving.  There are so many pluses to exercise, I don't have time to list them all.  And once you start, you'll become addicted and you'll need that exercise to feel good.  I know that it's hard to work out at the end of a long day at work, but we all need to do it.  Just like laundry, or showering, it must be done.  It's like that old saying "Anything worth having is worth fighting for!"  It won't be easy, but the good stuff never is.   

How you see yourself

I had an epiphany in art class today (it's amazing how God works....I had many a thought about skipping art class today, but I decided to go ahead and go).  We have fellow students doing mini art lessons (to prepare us for teaching) and today we had an art project that had us break a peice of paper down into 8 parts and write down 8 words that describe us.  It could be something important to us, something to describe us, or a word that had special meaning to us.  The first few words weren't very hard for me......God, family, school, JOY.....but I struggled with the next few words.  I started to write the word fitness, but something stopped me.  What concerned me about that was.....why??? Why was writing down that fitness what important to me and was a big part of my life....difficult for me?  Why did I hesitate?

It's because of how I see myself.  That's the problem.  I've read about it in health magazines and fitness literature, but hadn't experienced it until today.  A big part of losing weight and becoming fit is how we see ourselves.  I read once that when you lose weight, even 100 lbs, you still look in the mirror and see that "fat" person.  Even though you fit into smaller jeans and you KNOW that you look different, you still see that fat person.  Embracing that new body and that new person is a struggle, especially if you have been unhealthy most of your life.  Now, I'm not morbidly obese.....but I still struggle with how I see myself.  It's not a low self-esteem issue.....I know what I'm worth and what I deserve, but it's a matter of adjustment.  My fear was, when I wrote down fitness on my peice of paper, that people would look at it and say "Fitness?? Really?? It doesn't look like fitness is important to her!"  Again, I'm not a whale....people don't look at me and think "My Lord....she's HUGE!"  But still, I hesitated.  If I can't see myself in a new light, how can I ever expect anyone else to?

I know this is a strange fear to have.  And if you've never struggled with your weight, then you probably don't understand it.  It's like the kids in high school who want to try out for the basketball team, or the volleyball team, or the cheerleading squad.  They want to, but they don't....because no one sees them as a "basketball player" or a "volleyball player" or a "cheerleader".....so they never see themselves that way either.  They never try out for the team and they never get to accomplish that goal.  It's the same concept with weight and getting healthy.  I am going to walk in the "Race for the Cure" in September and I hesistated even doing that.  My initial thought was "Chubby girls don't do things like that!"....and then I thought "Well....this chubby girl does.....and I am gonna do it every year that I possibly can!"

It's all a matter of perspective.  Who cares how anyone else sees me if I can't see myself for all that I'm worth and all that I am capable of?  I ended up putting fitness down on my peice of paper and displayed it proudly.  Fitness is a part of who I am.  Not everyone who is now a fitness guru started out that way.  Alot of them were overweight and unhealthy and decided to change their lives.  This is just my beginning.....I'll be a fitness guru before you know it!  

I feel FANTASTIC

As I was driving to the gym this late Saturday morning, I thought to myself....."I feel fantastic!". Then, when I left the gym.....I felt even better. Why have I not been exercising my whole life?? Why do more people not do this?? Why do more people not eat better?? The payoff is so worth it! As I sit here, eating my Lean Cuisine chicken fettucine alfredo.......I know that no food (not even.....dare I say, chocolate) is better than how I've been feeling lately.



It is amazing how God designed the human body. They are miracle machines. If we take care of them and fuel them with the right foods, there is nothing they can't do. They are fully capable of sustaining years and years of vibrant life, fighting off infectious diseases, birthing children, making children (hehe), etc. It amazes me....most of us take better care of our cars than we do our bodies. We wouldn't put greasy, nasty Crisco in our gas tanks, but we're more than willing to clog our own arteries with it. Eeewwwwww!!

I have, first hand, experienced what a healthier body can do....and I'm just getting started. I used to get migraines.....constantly. And while they haven't gone away completely.....they are few and far between. I used to get so winded from climbing the stairs to my biology class that I had to take a moment before I walked into class to catch my breath, for fear of another student tring to give me CPR! Now....I fly up those things.....and walk straight into class. I used to have pain in my left knee constantly. I still do sometimes, but the elliptical has helped strengthen my knee and ease that pain. My mood is better, my body is leaner, my heart is stronger and my mind is clearer.


Now....for the final BIG plus to eating better and exercising. I apologize in advance to my mother, Aunt Debbie (not really....she'll get a kick out of this), Grandma and sibs (if you guys are reading this)....but it must be said. The “behind closed doors” part of being married is awesome when you feel better!! I'm a married woman.....there is no shame, nor is it a secret that married couples have sex (or should be). And when you're not so tired......and sick.....and feeling bleh......and hating your body.......you find time for activities you didn't normally feel up for before. Both my husband and I have been hitting the gym and eating better and it has SOOOOO paid off!!! So.....ladies and gentlemen.......if for no other reason.....hit the gym for that!
I can't wait to see what the future has in store for me. I am just getting started.....and the best is yet to come. It's so refreshing to get up everyday knowing that it's only going to get better from here. I find myself thinking about trips to celebrate my retirement......future goals as a grandmother.......and things I want to do for my 80th birthday. I plan on being around for a while.....and not just alive....but really LIVING!!

Skinny Jeans

We all have them. I'm not talking about the new, trendy jeans that everyone seems to be wearing these days. I'm talking about every woman's "skinny jeans".....the jeans that you never throw away, even after you've outgrown them, in the hopes that one day, you'll fit back into them. I found my skinny jeans today.

I had just gotten out of my morning class, around 9:15 or so and I had to head to WalMart to pick up a few things for a project in my afternoon class. It hit me....all of a sudden.....I was hungry. How I went from fine to starving is beyond me. I guess I had been focused on class and that project that I didn't pay attention. But after I got done shopping, I had nothing on my mind but how hungry I was. I had eaten breakfast this morning, oatmeal, and I had drank an entire bottle of water. This was at 7:15 this morning. I know myself well enough to know that I should have brought a granola bar or something to snack on. I know that when I get hungry and have no backup, I make poor food choices.

So, what does anyone do when it's 9:45 in the morning and you're hungry, but not at home? That's right.....McDonald's breakfast......it's only the BEST breakfast in the world!!! Why is that the first thing to pop into my head? Why was my first thought not "go back into WalMart and buy an apple"??? I'll tell you why.....years of bad habits. Years of going to McDonald's instead of eating an apple. I must have looked like a schitzophrenic (unsure of how that's spelled). I was talking to myself, not outloud, but I know my lips were moving. I was arguing with myself....one side telling me that McDonald's was just a few minutes away and the hunger would be gone before I even got home. The other side of me was telling me how hard I worked on the elliptical yesterday....and did I want to negate all the work (and then some) with a sausage biscuit.

The answer......NO!!!! I ran to my car and pulled out of that parking lot and headed home before my mind had the opportunity to change. I was so proud of myself. Life is full of those little moments. Moments where we can decide to help our bodies or hurt them. It may seem like a small moment to some, but it was a very proud moment for me. I got home, ate a plum and waited a while to eat my lunch. For lunch, I had a Smart One's and another bottle of water. I got my SHAPE magazine and ripped out a few pictures, pictures of strong, healthy women exercising, that would inspire me to do the same. I taped a picture to my fridge and on my mirror in my bathroom to help remind me why I'm doing this. Then, I got my skinny jeans and hung them on my wall in the bedroom. This way, every morning when I wake up, I'll have a visual reminder of my goals.....and now that one day.......I'll be back in my "skinny jeans"!

Losing Weight Slowly

I was sitting on my couch this morning, after eating my yogurt and granola for breakfast, feeling pretty proud of myself and I picked up my Women's Health magazine. The title of the article was "When Fat Comes Back". Intrigued by the title, I read the entire article in just a few minutes. I like to think of myself as a split personality, but in a good way. I always have two sides of my brain fighting for control over my thoughts, and therefore, my behavior. One side started to get anxious. After reading all of the information in this article, I began to worry if all of my weight loss efforts would come back to haunt me. What if I lost all the weight, just to gain it all back, and then some. According to this article, statistically, it's a very high possibility.

Luckily, my other side, the good (more positive side) took over. It's been doing that alot lately :) I started thinking about the flip side of that statistic. What if I lost all the weight and kept it off? What if I finally reached my goal and got everything I ever wanted from my body? That's the kind of statistic I want to be. This article had alot of good information and it's intent was not to scare women out of losing weight, but to be careful of yo-yo dieting. I've blogged about this once before, but it needs to be said again: This is not a diet, but a lifestyle change. You see women losing 60 lbs. in 3 months or other radical numbers. Of course they're gaining weight back.....3 months is not enough time to change 25 years of poor choices. In this article, they did a study on 2 different groups of women. They ate the same, exercised the same, but one day out of the week, one of the groups had a behavioral therapy session while the other group exercised. Guess which group kept the weight off? That's right....the group with therapy.

Losing weight is so much more than a physical battle. It's a mental WAR! You are battling years and years of habit. You are going against what used to be considered normal for you. That's gonna take time. You have to set reasonable goals and understand that mistakes are going to be made. Example: I was driving in Canyon yesterday and started craving a coke.....terribly. I hadn't had one in....I don't know how long....and the craving was strong. I kept telling myself that I didn't need a coke and that I could go to Sonic and get a tea, unsweet, and that would be much better for me. I was not allowed to have a coke! Instead of driving to Sonic, this train of thought led me right to McDonald's for a coke. The more I told myself I couldn't have one, the more I wanted one. I pulled through the drive thu and got my coke! I yanked the paper off the straw and took a drink! Finally....a coke!!!

Oh, my Lord!! It was like drinking whiskey from the bottle. Who knew coke was that acidic? The minute I drank it, I didn't want it anymore. It was my mode of thinking that made that coke irresistable to me. I had made it "off limits" and that is a HUGE mistake. Making something "taboo" or "off limits" makes it that much more attractive to you. I've learned so much in these last few months. I've learned that there isn't anything I can't eat, just stuff that I shouldn't eat, and there's a big difference between the two. Knowing that I CAN have something, gives me back the control. I can eat whatever I want! I can eat a hamburger from McDonald's, but I choose to eat grilled chicken with carrots instead.

After reading that article, I was so proud of myself. I may be losing weight slowly, but that's how I am going to change my behavior. If it takes me til 2011 to get to my goal weight, then that's fine, cause it's not coming back. It's gonna take more than 3 or 4 months to change how I've been eating for 27 years.....and I dont' have anything....but time!

The Biggest Loser

I am a HUGE fan of the Biggest Loser! I don't smoke, I don't drink (excessively), but this show is my drug of choice. It is so motivating. When I'm on the elliptical and I feel like giving up, I imagine the people on that show. I imagine the 400-500 lb. contestants who hit the BL gym every day. If they can do that, what excuse do I have? These people hit the gym carrying weight I couldn't even imagine, with extensive injuries from carrying around that weight. If they can do it, I sure as hell can! I'm sure each and every one of those contestants had a point in their life where they realized that their weight was beginning to become a problem and they needed to do something about it. Unlike the contestants on that show, I won't ignore that realization.

I truly believe that if becoming "fit" and losing weight is a struggle for you, you need to turn to channel 4, every Tuesday night at 7 pm. That show is amazing! You can see the change in those people from their first week on the ranch. As of now, they have been at the ranch for 10 weeks and the transformations are astonishing! It's amazing what feeling better does your outside appearance. Not only are these people dropping pounds and inches, but they are getting their lives back. You can see the person, underneath, that's always been there and has been waiting to come out. You can see how much they had been prisoners in their own bodies. I'm blessed, I don't have hundreds of pounds to lose, but I do have my insecurities and watching those contestants melt their insecurities away makes it that much easier to get up and go to the gym on Wednesday.

The Big Picture

I woke up this morning, very excited. Almost like a kid at Christmas. Tuesday mornings have become a very exciting and anxious time for me. It's my weigh-in day. I chose to do it only one day a week so that I wouldn't become obsessed with the number on the scale. Somehow, that hasn't worked. I am still very preoccupied all day Monday with what tomorrow's numbers are gonna bring. I step on the scale, ready to see another 2-3 lb drop....only to be let down. I had only lost 1/2 lb.

Now....the upbeat and positive side of me said "Hey, at least it's a drop. You didn't stay the same and you didn't gain, so that's good." The other side of me, the darker, more negative side wanted to kick my own ass for not trying harder. I thought back to my week. What had I eaten? Had I missed a day at the gym? Why didn't I lose the weight? As far as the gym goes, I hadn't skipped a beat. Then, my husband reminded me that we had made a few bad food choices last week (mostly due to being too tired or busy to cook). We eat out every Sunday with my family, which takes its toll, but on top of that, we had ordered pizza one night and eaten out another time. I started feeling depressed.

Then, after a few moments of regret, I realized something. I'm in this for the long haul. This is life. Life is gonna throw bad days where cooking a healthy meal just isn't in the cards. Some days, you're in a crunch and have to swing by a drive thru. I'm not gonna stop "living"! I'm still doing well. On the days we do cook, we eat very healthy and I can't say that I will NEVER eat another piece of pizza again or stop going out to eat with my family......who would want THAT? I just have to remember that this is a lifestyle change, not a diet. I have to stick to a plan that is gonna work for me until the day I die and that plan....is gonna have a few more slices of pizza in it.....healthy or not!

Taking it One Day at a Time

I'm a planner. Always have been. Always will be. Planning seems to calm me. It gives me the illusion of control. I plan my college courses, all the way through to my master's degree (and I'm not even done with my bachelor's yet). I plan for my daughter's college education, her wedding, her high school sporting activities....and she's only 7. I am planning a Vegas trip for July.....of next year. They can't make calendars far enough in advance for me. I will plan as far ahead as you'll let me.

I have come to find out....in my journey to become a healthier person, that when it comes to planning your fitness routine and your food choices, looking into the future can have the opposite effect. This doesn't calm me....it overwhelms me. Instead of feeling a sense of control over my health, I feel anxious. How can I possibly eat healthy and work out 4 days a week for the rest of my life?? This idea causes stress, stress leads to sleeplessness, sleeplessness into anxiety and then....eventually, giving up. However, I seem to have found a loop hole.

I have found that when I quit worrying about tomorrow and focus only on today, my anxiety goes away. Now, don't get me wrong, to eat healthy and stay physically active, there is some planning involved. You need to buy the right foods at the grocery store and make sure you pay your gym membership.....but that's where it should end. Don't plan out every meal from breakfast to dinner for the next month. Worry about breakfast, lunch and dinner for the day you're in. Thinking about never getting to have McDonald's french fries EVER again will do nothing but lead you into their drive-up window. Make better choices for today and leave tomorrow.....for tomorrow!! This concept has helped me so much. Anytime I catch myself planning (worrying, more so) about tomorrow and later in the week, I stop myself. I have realized that all that does is weigh me down....and I've already got enough weight (pun intended)....I don't need anymore!!

Can't I be happy AND thin??

When I told my husband last night that I had started a blog, I got the "you're ridiculous" eye-roll. I tried explaining to him how much it helped ME to write this stuff down. He asked what I was writing about and I told him, but he still couldn't quite grasp why I would want to "write" it down. I told him that I don't have the patience to actually write, which is what I was doing before blogging. I type so much faster than I write so my hands have a decent chance of catching up with my brain if I type. I told him it was therapeutic to be so open and vulnerable and to express yourself like this. He looked confused. I have blogging, he has golf. I choose to express myself, he chooses to swing a metal stick around. I guess the "men are from Mars, women are from Venus" conflict is put to rest.

I got up this morning to an empty house, started making some coffee and found myself wondering this exact question - "Can I be happy AND thin?" There have been 2 times in my adult life that I have been thin....notice that I did not say "fit", because I was losing muscle along with fat, but still....I was thin. It was when I was 19 and throwing up every morning (joys of pregnancy) and again a few years ago. Both were incredibly stressful times in my life. Pregnant at 19 will make you question your entire future and apparently, during that questioning, I didn't eat. And when I did, it came back up. Needless to say, I was losing weight and not gaining. The other time, which I choose not to share with anyone with an internet connection so I'm not going into detail, was a very, very stressful time in my life. I was making bad relatioship decisions and couldn't be bothered to eat. I lost almost 40 lbs. and didn't work a bit to do it.

WHY?? Why does a thin outer body have to come with such a stressed out, fragile, broken inner body? I don't want to be stressed out! I don't want to be pregnant again! (not yet anyway). In my experience, stress=thin. But.....I want to change that equation. So....

I was looking for an easy answer. That's why I didn't find one. Just like algebra and equations....the answer isn't usually easy. You have to work for it. I have to find a way to be happy and be thin....and not just thin, but "fit"! I have to wake up every day and make the right food choices. I have to wake up every day and make the right fitness choices (stairs or elevator, close parking spot or walking distance, watch TV or walk my dogs). I have to make choices that make my equation look different. I still don't make the right choices every day, but when I mess up, I don't throw the whole day away. I make corrections for my next choice, whether that be a meal or a parking space. I have a new equation: happy=thin=fit=fabulous!!

I guess I'm blogging now.....

First off, let me say, that this blog is more for me than anyone else. I'm not even sure anyone else is interested in what I have to say here, but it's a cheap form of therapy....to share your thoughts and emotions....to be humbled and vulnerable.....so here goes.....I guess I'm blogging now.

The reason I thought to start this blog is the new journey that I am on to become fit. Let me explain what I mean by "fit". I don't mean "thin" or "hot" or any other term used to describe physical appearance. I mean "fit"! There is so much more to being fit than looking good. Looking good is just icing on the cake (no pun intended). I have come to realize in the past few months how important my choices are to my family. I always knew that the choices I made financially, emotionally, spiritually and even mentally had an impact, but my food choices? My exercise routine? How do these effect my family? They do!!

It first came to me when I was thinking about my daughter, Caitlyn. She was playing a basketball game and I started thinking about all the sports I want her to play when she gets older. I want her to be active and have a passion for sports. How is she going to get that passion?? I can't wish it on her. I can pray for God's supernatural power to move on her, but I have to move in the natural before the supernatural can do it's part. So, I have to live by example. I have to show her what being healthy is all about, and not just physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I want to be able to practice basketball or volleyball with her and not get winded. I want to run with her and play with her. I don't want to be the mom who is too tired and sends her kid outside to play with someone else. I want her to play with ME!

So, I started making changes, we all did. Late last year, my family and I decided that we weren't going to be eating white pasta or white bread anymore. Now, we eat whole wheat pasta and wheat bread. The only thing we use is white sugar and that's for our tea. We don't sweeten it very much, but it's still there. We also decided to cut out as much caffeine as we could. We never had cokes in the house, so tea was the only drinking choice we could change. We went from regular tea to decaf and from regular coffee to decaf. I, an avid coffee drinker, was concerned about how decaf coffee would taste. Would it wake me up in the morning? What's the point of having coffee if it's decaf, right? Well....I have come to find out that if you are eating right and working out, you sleep better. When you sleep better, the mornings are easier and you don't need caffeine to wake you up. Nature does it for you!

I have been struggling with my weight for a while. I wasn't even fat in high school, but I was always on the verge, ya know? You could look at me and just know that weight would be a struggle for me for the rest of my life. I wasn't born with great genes. My father's side is obese and apparently, I got his genes. My mother's side is fine, which is where I suppose my little sister, Karah, gets her genes. I kept a decent weight up until I had my daughter. I had Caitlyn when I was 20 years old and did ok for the first 6 months of her life. It's been an uphill battle ever since. I know that they tell you when you have a kid, your body is just different. I didn't believe it until it happened to me. Now, I'm not blaming my weight on having a baby, it was my choice to eat unhealthy and not work out. However, it does take a toll on the body!

Last year, about September, my husband and I decided to quit whining about our bodies and do something about it. This was about the time we cut out the white flour and the caffeine. We got a gym membership at the town club and never looked back. We were at the gym....ALL THE TIME!! We made small choices in our eating habits. We never really ate bad before so only small changes needed to be made. I was working out 6 days a week (3 days strenth training, every day cardio). If you're gonna do something, do it all the way, right?

WRONG!!! After 3 months of going to the gym 6 days a week, I had lost 3 lbs. 3lbs after 3 months!! Are you kidding me?? It wasnt' worth it. What was wrong?? I got frustrated....very, very frustrated. Why work out 6 days a week and have nothing to show for it. Sure, I was feeling better and sleeping better, but in my mind, at the time, that wasn't enough. I quit going to the gym. I stopped at the end of November and didn't step foot in the gym again for the rest of 2009. I then decided to talk to my doctor. She ran some tests. There it was, the problem that had been taunting me every day at the gym.....my thyroid. I had read in all my SHAPE magazines about how important your thyroid is to weight loss and energy levels. I asked my doctor if my thyroid had anything to do with not being able to lose weight. "Absolutely", she said.

Praise the Lord....finally, an answer to my struggle. My doctor put me on a thyroid pill, it regulates how my thyroid works. Luckily, it's only $4 a month because I have to take it for the rest of my life. My doctor says that my thyroid will always need help to regulate itself and I'm ok with that. After 6 weeks of taking the pill, I went back to the doctor to see if my levels were normal and if the pill was working. It was....my levels were great and they got the correct dosage on the first try! No more excuses.

So now, my husband and I are back at the gym, but not 6 days a week. Something else I've learned, both through experience and literature- You're body does more in recovery than it does at the gym! I wasn't giving my body time to recover. That's when the weight comes off, that's when your muscles tone and your heart recovers, during your days off. So now, we go 4 days a week. Instead of an hour on the bike, we do 45 minutes on the elliptical. Another news flash- my cardio wasn't intense enough. That bike does not hold a candle to the elliptical. I was burning 315 calories in 45 minutes on the bike and now I'm buring almost 3x that much (925 calories) in 45 minutes on the elliptical. And....I'm finally losing weight. I'm finally seeing the fruits of my labor.

But, the most important thing I've noticed, is that I pray more. I have learned that I can't do everything myself. If I burn 925 calories, it's because God gave me a strong body and wants to see me happy and successful. Everytime I'm on the elliptical and I feel like I can't go on, instead of blasting my iPod, I pray....I pray for strenth and endurance to win this fight with my weight...once and for all. Not just for me and how it would make me feel, but for my little girl, who looks up to me and wants to be just like me. I don't want her to struggle like I have. I also do it for my husband, who thinks I'm beautiful no matter what size I am....and tells me everyday how much he loves me. I want to grow old with him, we want to grow old together.

So....this blog is the first of many to come about this journey that I'm on. I weigh every Tuesday morning to check my progess. I have lost 8 lbs. in 4 weeks. It may be slow weight loss, but the numbers on the scale are on a steady decline.....and that's all that matters. I hope to write another blog on Tuesday......declaring yet another 2lb decline on the scales. Here goes......