How you see yourself

I had an epiphany in art class today (it's amazing how God works....I had many a thought about skipping art class today, but I decided to go ahead and go).  We have fellow students doing mini art lessons (to prepare us for teaching) and today we had an art project that had us break a peice of paper down into 8 parts and write down 8 words that describe us.  It could be something important to us, something to describe us, or a word that had special meaning to us.  The first few words weren't very hard for me......God, family, school, JOY.....but I struggled with the next few words.  I started to write the word fitness, but something stopped me.  What concerned me about that was.....why??? Why was writing down that fitness what important to me and was a big part of my life....difficult for me?  Why did I hesitate?

It's because of how I see myself.  That's the problem.  I've read about it in health magazines and fitness literature, but hadn't experienced it until today.  A big part of losing weight and becoming fit is how we see ourselves.  I read once that when you lose weight, even 100 lbs, you still look in the mirror and see that "fat" person.  Even though you fit into smaller jeans and you KNOW that you look different, you still see that fat person.  Embracing that new body and that new person is a struggle, especially if you have been unhealthy most of your life.  Now, I'm not morbidly obese.....but I still struggle with how I see myself.  It's not a low self-esteem issue.....I know what I'm worth and what I deserve, but it's a matter of adjustment.  My fear was, when I wrote down fitness on my peice of paper, that people would look at it and say "Fitness?? Really?? It doesn't look like fitness is important to her!"  Again, I'm not a whale....people don't look at me and think "My Lord....she's HUGE!"  But still, I hesitated.  If I can't see myself in a new light, how can I ever expect anyone else to?

I know this is a strange fear to have.  And if you've never struggled with your weight, then you probably don't understand it.  It's like the kids in high school who want to try out for the basketball team, or the volleyball team, or the cheerleading squad.  They want to, but they don't....because no one sees them as a "basketball player" or a "volleyball player" or a "cheerleader".....so they never see themselves that way either.  They never try out for the team and they never get to accomplish that goal.  It's the same concept with weight and getting healthy.  I am going to walk in the "Race for the Cure" in September and I hesistated even doing that.  My initial thought was "Chubby girls don't do things like that!"....and then I thought "Well....this chubby girl does.....and I am gonna do it every year that I possibly can!"

It's all a matter of perspective.  Who cares how anyone else sees me if I can't see myself for all that I'm worth and all that I am capable of?  I ended up putting fitness down on my peice of paper and displayed it proudly.  Fitness is a part of who I am.  Not everyone who is now a fitness guru started out that way.  Alot of them were overweight and unhealthy and decided to change their lives.  This is just my beginning.....I'll be a fitness guru before you know it!